


Five times Buffy found out about Xander and Giles, and one time she didn’t

by anyjay



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-04-05
Updated: 2008-04-05
Packaged: 2017-10-31 18:13:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/346982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anyjay/pseuds/anyjay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The title says it all</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five times Buffy found out about Xander and Giles, and one time she didn’t

**Author's Note:**

> They belong to Joss and Mutant Enemy. I make no money, I have no rights.  
> Contains some dialogue from "The Freshman" written by Joss Whedon

1\. AU post-chosen

Silence greeted Buffy's announcement. Willow reached out and squeezed her hand. "But, Buffy, who's the father?"

Buffy bit her lip. This was the worst part.

"Buffy?" Giles asked, his voice full of concern.

Buffy looked up. Giles wasn't mad. Maybe this would be okay. Still...

"I am," Xander said firmly, taking Buffy's other hand. "I'm the father."

Buffy was surprised when Giles' eyes blazed with fury. "You—"

"No, no, no, a world of no." Xander held his hands up to ward off the accusation. "I am so not that guy. I just meant, the kid's gonna need a Dad, right? Okay, woman power, maybe not need, but a Dad would be of the good. Call me Daddy Xander."

"Thank you," Buffy said. "Because you'll be all the Dad this kid is gonna have." She smiled at her watcher, who was looking relieved. "You can be Grandpa Giles." She turned to her best friend, "and you'll be Aunt Willow."

"No." Xander said sharply. “There will be no Grandpa Giles."

“What do you mean?” Buffy asked

Giles smiled at Xander. "Any number of men my age are grandparents, you know."

"Yeah, and any number of them have brand new trophy wives and babies. So Daddy Giles works, too. ‘Cause Daddy shacking up with Grandpa? There’s no way that isn’t wrong. The kid would be scarred for life."

"Wait,” Buffy said, “There’s shacking up? Who's shacking up?"

"We are," Giles told Buffy, before turning to Xander with a flirtatious smile. "Does that make you my trophy?"

********  
2\. AU post-Chosen

It was a documented fact that bad things – very, very bad things -- happened when Alexander Harris wore a tux. Flukes happened. Abandonment at altars happened. Xander had warned Willow, and Willow had said “Pfft,” waving her hand as if this were nonsense. So clearly, if Xander killed Kennedy’s Aunt Rose in the middle of the reception to celebrate Willow and Kennedy’s civil union, it would be all Willow’s fault. Not that either of the brides would buy that explanation.

Xander glared across the room to the cozy corner where a certain British ex-librarian was talking, smiling and even laughing with Aunt Rose. Aunt Rose probably found that little hint of a stutter sexy as hell. God knew Xander did.

“They’re flirting,” he told Buffy and Willow, completely oblivious to the fact that he was interrupting mid-sentence as Willow described her honeymoon travel plans.

“Who?” Buffy asked.

“Your watcher and Aunt Rose,” Xander said, nodding in their direction.

“Awww, that’s so cute,” Willow said. “Wouldn’t it be cool if they fell in love and got married. Then Giles would be my uncle-in-law, and the next time we took him to the hospital and had to pretend we were his next of kin, I wouldn’t be pretending.”

Buffy stared at her. “Our lives are so not normal.”

“They’re flirting,” Xander repeated, because his friends did not appear to appreciate the direness of the situation. “I’m Standing. Right. Here. And they’re flirting.”

“Right, Xan,” Buffy gave him a disgusted look, “because Giles having a conversation with a beautiful woman, that’s all about you. Ego much?”

“Beautiful!?” Xander hadn’t been this freaked out by an adjective since the time he first realized that Rupert was sexy.

“Come on, Xan,” Willow said, “even Giles is entitled to a private life. I wonder how long it’s been since he’s gotten any smoochies.”

Xander resisted the temptation to look at his watch. At a guess, smoochies: three hours, much, much more than smoochies: almost eight. But Willow didn’t need to know that.

Except Rupert thought Willow did need to know. Well, not the details. Rupert was in no way spouting-intimate-details-of-his-sex-life-guy. Which was a refreshing change.

But Rupert wanted Buffy, Willow and everyone to know he and Xander were a couple. Xander wanted that, too. Just, not yet. This was all still new and freaksome.

Aunt Rose turned to take a glass of champagne from a passing waiter, and Rupert looked over at Xander with his patented eyebrows-raised I-have-won-the-argument-so-just-surrender-now look. Yeah, he’d had known exactly where Xander was the entire time.

“What was that?” Buffy asked.

“What was what?” Willow said.

“That look,” Buffy said. “One second Giles is all about Aunt Rose, then he’s looking over here with this smug smile, then boom, back to full on flirting. God, neither one of you bet him he couldn’t pick up at woman at the wedding, did you?”

“Xander?” Willow asked suspiciously, “because it’s not fair to Kennedy’s Aunt if…”

“Right, it’s my fault Rupert’s trying to push my buttons,” Xander said.

“Rupert?” asked Buffy.

“Buttons?” asked Willow.

Aw hell, thought Xander. He put one arm around each of his friends and gave a brief squeeze before letting go.  
“Buffy, Willow, I’m bisexual. Your support means so much to me during this confusing time. I’m glad we had this talk.”

Then he marched across the room and shook Aunt Rose’s hand. “Hi, I don’t think we’ve been introduced. I’m Xander Harris. Did Rupert mention that he has an extremely possessive boyfriend? Because he does, and I’m him. I hope we have a chance to talk again real soon. But Rupert has to leave now.”

Xander grabbed an unresisting Giles, and turned him to bodily face the exit, before grabbing his upper arm and pulling him away from Aunt Rose.

Giles cooperated fully in his own abduction, except for looking back over his shoulder and saying to Aunt Rose, “Do excuse us. It’s been lovely chatting with you.”

“Rupert,” Xander said, still leading him towards the door.

“Yes, Xander?” Giles said.

“Stop flirting with people who aren’t me.”

Giles smiled smugly. “Yes, Xander.”

*******  
3\. AU post-Chosen

“Faith, I’m begging here,” Xander said.

“I don’t give a damn what night I cook,” Faith said, swinging her feet as she sat on the kitchen counter.

“Thanks, you’re a lifesav—”

“But you do.” She gave him a smug smile. “So you need to sweeten the deal.”

“Geez, Faith. Everything I had disappeared into a sinkhole six months back. The only things I own now are a lovely Salvation Army wardrobe and my tools. So unless you’ll take a flannel shirt, a used hammer or sexual favors I’ve got nothing.”

Faith leaned back and let her eyes linger over Xander’s body. “Sexual favors, huh? Too bad I’ve got this kinky monogamy thing going with Wood, ‘cause that’s a damn fine offer.”

“What’s a fine offer?” Buffy asked, as she and Giles came into the kitchen.

“Xan’s offering sexual favors if he doesn’t have to make dinner tonight,” Faith said.

“I, um, that’s not actually what I—” Xander began, but Faith interrupted.

“He’s got a wicked hot date, but he forgot it’s his turn to cook,” Faith told them.

“Don’t look at me,” Buffy said, as she dug a sports drink out of the fridge. “I already did dinner this week.”

“I’d help you out, Xander,” Giles told him, while he ran water into the teakettle, “but I have plans as well. Why don’t you simply order pizza?”

“Great idea, except some uptight British guy made this crazy rule about teen slayers not eating pizza more than once a week. Like they’re gonna get scurvy or something. And since Buffy ordered pizza when it was her turn to cook,” Xander put the word in air quotes, “I’m basically screwed.”

“You could order Chinese.” Giles said. “Possibly orange beef if you have concerns about scurvy.”

“Yes!” Xander dove for the drawer where the takeout menus were kept, and began searching for the one from the good Chinese place.

“Hey, Giles,” Faith smirked. “Guess this means Xander owes you sexual favors, huh?”

“Oh, yes, absolutely,” Giles said in his most sarcastic tone. “Tonight, Xander, my room.”

Xander blushed and pretended to concentrate on the take out menu.

Faith and Buffy laughed. Giles regarded them both with a slight smile for a moment before returning his attention to preparing tea.

“Nice one, G,” Faith said, as she hopped off the counter and headed out to the backyard.

Buffy just frowned at Giles as she followed Faith out for the morning training session.

Just as she got outside, she realized she’d left her drink and turned back to get it.

“Was that your idea of a joke?” Xander was asking Giles.

“Not at all. That was my idea of a proposition,” Giles told him.

Xander grinned, “Sex on the first date, huh? Can I just say, ‘yay’?”

*******  
4\. AU post-Chosen

“So what do you think?” Buffy asked.

“Oh, Buffy,” Xander said, hugging her tight. “I think it’s a dream come true. But, you know, it’s last year’s dream – well, five years ago, really. So, no.”

“But why?”

“Two reasons,” Xander told her. “One: we date, I fall in love, then out of the blue you tell me I’m not ‘the one;’ you were settling. And you try to make me believe that I was settling too, when really, you’re everything I’ve always wanted. So my heart is broken, and you’re probably going back to your skanky nutball ex-boyfriend, and we’ll never be friends again, and, oh God!”

Buffy looked at Xander in alarm; she could hear the tears in his voice. A distraction was definitely in order. “Uh, and what’s two?”

“What?” Xander wiped his eye.

“You said there were two reasons,” Buffy reminded him “That was one, what’s two?”

“Oh. Yeah. I am very, very gay. We had this big announcement planned, but then he—” Xander rubbed his hand across his eye again.

“That’s why you’re staying with Giles?” Buffy asked. “Bad break-up?”

Xander gave a pained laugh. “Worst. Break-up. Ever. But I’m not gonna— I’m going to a hotel.”

They sat side by side on the garden bench for a while, absorbed in their depressing thoughts. Buffy admitted to herself that she had been settling. Xander was the greatest guy she knew, but she’d never felt that special sparky thing with him.

“Well, now I know how Oz felt,” she said.

“Huh?” Xander asked

“When Oz came back. He asked if Willow had a new boyfriend. You told him no. You didn’t tell him Willow was gay.”

“I didn’t know. She hadn’t told me.”

“And you haven’t told Giles.”

“Believe me, he knows,” Xander said.

“He really doesn’t." Buffy told him. "When I arrived, I asked if you had a girlfriend, if he thought we had a shot. He said it was a wonderful idea, that we both deserved someone young and full of life, that deep down you’d always loved me.”

Xander looked stunned. “He said that?”

“Yes.”

“Last night?”

“Yes.”

“And then this morning, he – Oh my God!” Xander shook his head in disbelief, but he was smiling. “Oh, he is so dead.”

“Huh?”

“Buffy, right now I need about an hour alone with my once and future boyfriend. If he’s still alive at the end of the hour, Rupert and I will take you to lunch. And then I will take you shoe shopping or whatever else your heart desires, because if you hadn’t come, I would never have known that even the smartest guy on earth can be an insecure idiot.”

Xander gave her a quick kiss on the top of the head, then rushed back to the house. As he opened the door, Buffy heard him yell, “Rupert, are you a crazy man? How could you think I would want Buffy when I could have you?”

*******  
5\. AU post-Chosen.

They’d already discovered that the venom’s effects would wear off within a few days, but Giles was still researching, hoping to effect an earlier cure. Absorbed in his book, he was only dimly aware of motion in the room until Buffy’s voice broke his concentration.

“Xander, stop!”

Giles looked up to see Buffy standing in the doorway, staring at something behind him. Turning, he saw Xander, bare-chested, barefoot and frozen in the act of pushing his jeans down past his hips.

“Xander, put your clothes back on,” Buffy said firmly. Xander immediately began to comply.

“Giles, how could you?” Buffy demanded.

“What, precisely, do you believe I’ve done?” Giles’ voice was icy.

“I think it’s pretty obvious,” Buffy answered, her gaze shifting pointedly from Giles’ face to the center of the worktable. The large pile of books on demonology was crowned by an open box of condoms and a tube of lubricant.

Giles’ eyes widened. “Buffy, I swear--”

“Right,” Buffy said in disbelief. “If it wasn’t your idea, it must have been Xander’s. But Xander? Completely straight. Also not so big with the ideas right now. A while ago, I asked if he was thirsty, and he said yes. I gave him a glass of water. But he just sat there, holding the glass. He didn’t drink it -- he couldn’t drink it -- until I told him to. Hell, he won’t even use the bathroom without being told. Denomic venom, remember? You can’t really expect me to believe that big gay sex in the living room is HIS idea?

“I expect you to believe that I have enough basic decency not to take advantage of someone I lo-- like and respect,” Giles told her.

“Fine.” Buffy said in disbelief. “Xander, who told you to get naked in the living room with Giles?”

Xander didn’t look up from buttoning his shirt. “You did.”

“I did not!” she objected. “Giles, did you tell him to say that?”

“Of course not. Xander,” Giles asked gently, “what precisely did Buffy say that led to your, er, disrobing?”

Xander answered, his voice flat. “She said if I had any physical needs, I should take care of them myself without waiting to be told.”

“Yeah,” Buffy admitted, “I did say that. I didn’t want Xander to be hungry or thirsty or, you know, uncomfortable because he needed to use the bathroom, if we forgot to ask what he needed. But Xander, how does that lead to you naked with lube?”

Xander looked at Buffy. “I felt a physical need to have sex with Giles.”

*******  
And one time she didn’t:

AU: The Freshman  
(Borrows several lines from the episode, written by the great Joss Whedon himself.)

Buffy couldn’t believe how much college sucked. At least Giles would be glad to see her. She'd only gotten back from her father's a few days before moving to the dorm, so she hadn't seen him for months. She wondered what he'd been doing now that he wasn't either a watcher or a librarian. It didn't matter, the point was that he'd be glad to see her, and he'd jump to help her out.

“Giles!” She yelled, as she opened the door to his apartment.

There was noise from the kitchen -- like a squeak and a thump -- but when she looked through the opening over the breakfast bar, no Giles. Maybe he had mice. Giles should totally get a cat. It would be good company for him, too.

“Giles!” she yelled again.

Giles came down the hallway, wearing a bathrobe, and toweling off his hair. “Did you say something, dear heart? I was in the shower and I didn’t—Buffy!”

Giles slung the towel around his neck, checked that his robe was well fastened and ran his hands through his wet hair in an attempt to neaten it.

“Buffy,” he repeated, “where’s, er—” he looked through the kitchen doorway, and he must have caught sight of the mouse, because his eyes widened in surprise as he stared at the kitchen floor. He recovered almost immediately, however, walking over to Buffy and leading her towards the sofa. “I mean, how,” he said firmly, “How’s university?”

“Pretty much the same as high school,” Buffy answered, “in the sense that I – No! Never mind university. Did you just call me 'dear heart' or do you have a woman here?”

“Are those my only choices?” Giles asked mildly.

“Giles, this isn’t funny!” Buffy told him, outraged.

“I'm not supposed to have a private life?” Giles asked.

“No! 'Cause you're very, very old, and it's gross,” Buffy said.

“Well, before I succumb to the ravages of age, why don't you tell me what brings you here.”

Giles crossed to the sofa and sat down rapidly, gesturing for Buffy to sit as well. Buffy blinked. There had been something -- a shirt? -- just where Giles was sitting. From the glimpse Buffy had gotten, the garish colors looked like something Xander would wear. Buffy smiled. Giles’ woman friend had no taste whatsoever. For some reason, that made her feel much better.


End file.
